I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
