Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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