normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
