I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
