I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
