i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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