I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
