he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize