Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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