It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
