i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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