I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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