LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
