Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
