I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
