i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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