Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
