Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
