She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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