Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
