Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
