but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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