oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Your cock deserves a montage
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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