why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize