Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
