my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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