that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I believe in your delicious
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
