Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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