i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
