Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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