Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
