the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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