I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
