I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
