i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
