Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize