i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
