If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Randomize