Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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