Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
