We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
