My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
