You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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