it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
