I met the friendliest cop last night
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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