DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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