apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
