so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Drunk is not a location!
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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