id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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