Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
