im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
