I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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