So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
