NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
