Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
