I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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