I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize