I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
