i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
