You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Randomize
